4 years on

... and I still haven't adopted a good study habit. Last night I was up until 3:30 to get my final core assignments finished.

Today marks the end of an era. This photo was taken when I was a newbie on res at uni here in Bendigo.

Today as I sat in our final lecture, this strange realisation came to me that... it's over. Where have these four years gone? You're not serious, they're not really gone, are they?

I probably will never see half of those 200-odd people today again. I will never be up the front drawing little pictures and pretending to be listening. I will never break down in tears only to find my support group around me. I won't secretly run away just to not listen to how great my friends assignments are going. We will never sit in the SU in our breaks again, and play cards even though we really have something better to do. We wont have our secret conversations in Indonesian about the weird guy staring at us. We won't all be together again, and follow through with the flavour-of-the-month phases.

All in one moment, it's over. And although this year has been very different: I have not seen my friends on the basis I have in the last three years, part of me doesn't feel sad, it doesn't feel happy, but just this weird numb sensation.

Will we ever see each other again? We are all so busy now, how will business and distance hinder our friendship?

The question remains on whether I'll go out tonight or not. For the rest of the semester now I just need to finish off Indonesian. I think I'll have trouble letting go.

monopoli

Guess what I just bought off ebay!!!

Yes, that's right. Indonesian Monopoli. Lucky it isn't here yet. I need to keep on task with this stupid ASSIGNMENT grrrrr....

(I've just found out that the makers of the real monopoly
actually have never released a monopoly in Indonesia. It's probably an adaption. But none the less, eee I'm excited!)

Look what I did today!

I drew this for an activity that is going into my CRT resource kit...



I bet you can't guess who it is! (Hint, for a good children's book!)

Post your response as comments!

mati takkan mengobati

The story of my life right now...



(play me)

Peterpan - 2 DSD

Kumenatap langit yang tenang
Dan tak kan menangisi malam
Tuk tetap berdiri ku melawan hari
Ku akan berarti ku takkan mati

Mungkin masaku t'lah berlalu
Mungkin hatiku tak berbentuk lagi
Rasa ini takkan terobati
Tetapi mati takkan mengobati

Kumenatap langit yang terang
Dan takkan menangisi malam
Kutetap berdiri...kumelawan hari
Ku akan berarti ku takkan mati

Ahhh...

Kumenatap langit yang terang
Dan takkan menangisi malam
Kutetap berdiri...kumelawan hari
Ku akan berarti ku takkan mati

Kutakkan mati

Which translates into:

I stare at the tranquil sky
And won't be crying for the night
To remain standing I'll fight the day
I'll be meaningful, I will not to die

Maybe my time has passed
Maybe my heart no longer takes shape
This feeling can't be healed
But death won't heal it

I stare at the tranquil sky
And won't be crying for the night
To remain standing I'll fight the day
I'll be meaningful, I will not to die

Ahhh....

I stare at the tranquil sky
And won't be crying for the night
To remain standing I'll fight the day
I'll be meaningful, I will not to die

I will not to die

******

Why? Because although it's only a few weeks left of most of this study, I feel like I made the wrong choice 4 years ago. I don't have enough confidence to write a job application at the moment :\

But somewhere in the midst of all of this I know there is hope. And I know I just need to surrender the control elsewhere...

Indonesia raya!

Today is hari kemerdekaaan. That translates literally into "freedom day", however it really means Independence Day!

Today is the 63rd Independence day, 63 years since they have been independent of the Dutch rule in Indonesia.

I am going to some local celebrations here in Bendigo. I am very excited! Although I am in bed at the moment sick as a dog.

Back later!

17,000 - 50,000

Would you give up a potential career that could give you $50,000, for a career that you would rather do for $17,000.. That's per annum we're talking here.

Quite honestly, it's starting to look like teaching in Australia is more dangerous.

Man I'm confused.

My hands are small I know but they're not yours they are my own

I have finally finished two assignments that totalled well over 3000 words. For nights and nights I haven't slept because of this assignment. I have panicked and cried and wanted to die. But you know, once I sat down, got started, and kept on track, I was bizarrely calm. The only thing restricting me to handing it in at the moment is I've lost my stapler! But that is ok. They have cool shnappy ones at uni. Lots of fun!

The strategy I used to keep me sane? Lot's of clip art. Seriously. Why didn't I think of that before. And I'm sure it delights a lecturer after reading numerous mundane black and white assignments.

In fact, now I can really see the end. I finish nearly every subject by the end of august. Yeah, at my uni they have this stupid thing called fast tracking. It's where you cram a semester into a month. Really I think it only benefits those who are 'fast trackers', who finish everything and get to go out and become 'real' teachers after this. For me it feels like a bunch load of unnecessary stress. But you know, I'm glad I'll still be at uni for an hour a week after all this is finished. Why? Because since my first year I have weekly had contact with my favourite lecturer. I got a major in her subject and this year I took on an extension of it.

How did you guess? Yeah, of course, Indonesian!

So I'm weaning myself off this Indo-habit I've had for the last four years. I think it will keep me sane just reading the book and being around a native for the rest of the year (maybe not quite so long).

So this is what I've got to do by the end of the semester:
- Hand in COMPLETED assignment :D (tomorrow)
- Read Ronggeng Dukuh Paruk. (daily. Not doing well this week)
- Dance the tari gembira (happy dance) for Bendigo Australia Indonesia Klub. I've had half an hour practice. Help.
- Apply for the Adelaide job that they "encouraged me to apply for"
- Try and be useful for my debate team (debate is next Thursday)
- Get to a "drop in" session about my crappy teaching portfolio (hopefully monday - fingers crossed!)
- Make a CRT kit (in a few weeks)
- Write about CRTs (in a few weeks)
- Make a poster presentation about the benefits of LOTE in a classroom. (in a few weeks)
- Eat a delicious morning tea that I'm scabbing off the lecturers at the Education Faculty
- Go out on my first and last Thursday night and get drunk with my fellowgraduate teachers that I've chilled with for the last 4 years (kidding about the drunk)
- Get on a train to Melbourne. Meet my mum and sister. Stay in a B&B. Do a rediculous amount of shopping. Go to Festival Indonesia.

Man, I don't know what's going on with our debate. I try to put some input but quite honestly I just feel like the stupid idiot of the group. I've said numerous times that I've wanted to do stuff and am willing to put in, but I get ignored. So perhaps I haven't posted a lot on the discussions. But I just can't think of what to write. And anything I have has already been posted. Craptastic I say. And all people can dish me out is guilt. Even people from other teams! What's with this? Just stay true to yourself honey, says Marcia Heins.

I'm sick of this expectation to be perfect, that keeps overwriting the "do the best you can with everything you've got". All of these perfect people expecting me to be like them! I'M SAMMY! NOT YOU!

So tomorrow, I'm toying with the temptation of sitting away from people who are going to tell me that my assignment is all wrong and that they have been given job offers and yada yada. Don't get me wrong, there are people there I truly love. But there are also people who seem to do their best to make me feel small and wrong all the time. People who get their kicks out of making others feel smaller to try and elevate themselves. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY is the world so much like this.

OK. I'm dribbling. And I'm tired.

peres

I think I found Idul on youtube:



This looks like Idul, acts like Idul, and it is Iduls fave song, "aku bukan boneka". Which means "I'm not a doll".

In fact, I recall walking around with him singing this song, and then turning into his five minute English version over and over again, "I'm not a doll... I'm not a doll...."

aku berbeda aku tak sama aku bukanlah sebuah boneka
I'm different, I'm not the same, I'm not a doll

Telmy and I have an "Idul song".. it goes "I'm not a doll... I'm not a doll... I wait you... I wait you..."

Aku menunggumu (If you translate Indonesian directly, It's "I wait you", not "I wait for you".)

There is your language lesson for today, I hope you have learned in abundance!

Todays tasks: get off the freaking internet and write the rest of my assignment, enquire about a job in Jakarta, enquire about a job in Adelaide. Yes Adelaide. I'm going freaking mad!

The future is such an exciting yet scary phenomena

mengikuti hatimu

So today I was procrastinating and you wouldnt believe what I did.

Yeah that's right. I picked up the phone and called my dream school and asked if they wanted me.

The first few shots I didn't get through, but then I got through and was on the phone to an Indonesian lady. I panicked and started with some small talk, and then asked if I could talk to kepala sekolah, the head of the school, the principal.

When I got onto her I was talking to her in Indonesian. But then remembering that this is an international school ran predominantly by Americans, I asked... are you American? Shocked by the fact that I actually spoke English she replied that yes she indeed was.

She asked what experience I had, and if I had even been to Indonesia. I told her that I had been there twice. Shocked, she asked where. I told her all of my different destinations, one of them being a mere 100km from her.

Now all I got to do is find 5 references and apply. The downside is they run on the American school year, which means my job would then start August NEXT year. But if they were happy to have me I would definitely work at McDonalds until then.

But then again, there's a VELS school in 3 different places over there as well as teaching english with EF. Possibilities are endless, really.

autan

Every now and then something will spring up that brings back a memory.

Today, while listening to imediabiz Indo tv while compiling my arts folio due monday, I was listening to the crazy yet creative commercials they always have on.

Then I hear this strange yet familiar word: Autan. Autan is a brand of insect repellent. I didn't know the full meaning at the time I first saw it, but I remember looking all through Kendari for it.

I remember Idul putting me through the grief of asking every supermarket and chemist "permisi bu/pak... anda menjual Autan..?" (Excuse me miss/sir, do you sell Autan?) I think Autan changed to many different words after a while.

I also remember that day we were heroes. In Kendari they use ojek (motorbikes) as transport a lot more than they do here. In fact, uni students earn extra cash by turning their ojek into a taxi. About 20c will get you anywhere in Kendari city. We were in the city when a girl fell off the back of an ojek. She was about 8, wasn't dressed too flash hot and was obviously hurt. Idul and I rushed to her rescue and helped her cross the street. We (I) then bought her a bottle of water and saw her on her way. The thing that I found the most amazing was that everybody stopped for a second, to see what happened, and then went on, business as normal, as this girl was stranded in the middle of a busy street after falling off the back of a motorbike!

Ah, the memory. Pretty sure it means nothing to anyone else.

bhinneka tunggal ika

bhinneka tunggal ika is the slogan on the pancasila, the garuda bird, national emblem of Indonesia. It means "unity in diversity". (this picture was taken in Kendari after my friend Idul demanded I take a picture of "the bird")

I was watching the opening ceremony last night. With so many different countries that came out, some that I thought were attached to another country already, reminded me how diverse this world really is.

The people I was watching with were complaining about how many countries there were. They were suggesting that so many of them could be merged, for example, African countries just become "Africa", Canada and the US should just come under the USA.

I don't agree. Being someone who has travelled to one of the most diverse archipelago in the world, I am under the understanding that everywhere is different. In fact, I hate Indonesian teaching that portrays the whole country to be like "Bali". When I am an Indonesian teacher I will endeavour to teach Indonesia as diverse as the 20 kids sitting in front of me. (This picture is of me and the family I stayed with in Indonesia. See the hijab? That means they are muslim. And I love them all the same)

I hate racism.

I think that's something I'm learning about myself. I am unique. I am that bhinneka tunggal ika. My teaching and my faith is different and diverse. I love God, and I love teaching, I will never stop learning. But these are very much my own uniqueness.

I feel like I'm in year 12 again, unsure of what will happen next year. So many places and decisions to make. I am currently toying with the idea of moving to Indonesia. This school has really captured my heart, but a lot of prayer needs to go into it or any decision to go overseas. I don't see much chance of a job here in Bendigo, because I have too much "competition"... I am looking to go to Melbourne, where diversity is a lot more celebrated and respected. (This picture is of my feet and my friend Idul's feet. When we would compare our skin colours, he would say "it's very contrast". It still makes me laugh as his voice rings in my head. Aren't we all, "very contrast".)

But I wont be going anywhere next year if I don't finish this assignment...

when the best aint enough

I have never wanted to give up so much in my entire life.

I went to uni today, and everything is so competitive. I feel so... dumb. Even now as I try to contribute something to a WebCT discussion I feel at a loss to be able to contribute because I am so much more stupider than any of these people.

Unfortunately, my life is far from perfect. It's fantastic that everyone else has perfect lives, but I just wish that they'd understand that life isnt as rosy for everyone.

I try my best, but at the moment, I feel like the best isn't enough. And I'm scared that I am never going to amount to anything.

Ada apa denganku?

When I wrote my previous post, I knew I was a bit daring to open up like I did. I took a risk and I was glad I made it. I had Sam read through it, and he admitted that he didn't understand that things were like they were. Perhaps I need to put things on paper more.

Dawn and Steph, your comments gave me hope in that I wasn't being rash. I felt so guilty for not initially shouting hallelujahs and amens. God indeed did encourage us to bless. It assures me that I am on the right track.

There are still big questions there though. I want to get 'help', but am at a loss as to where I can find it.

Something I noticed as I walked through Coles to buy toothpaste tonight, in my heart I still pray. My heart is still after God. But I am so disturbed with what I've been through. I so want to seek the truth....

Today before Indonesian began we were talking about me being an introvert around certain people, yet when I get around Indonesian people I am extroverted banget. I felt introverted on prac because of the different personalities I was around. For some reason I feel again like an introvert, this feeling of real smallness at church. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. But I feel so small! And it's against people. It's like, I'm not as good as a christian because of who I am in that place. And that's wrong, right?

Nita gave me back my assignments from last semester. Lot's of writing and grammar mistakes.
I passed but I don't feel as pribumi as I give myself credit for. Mungkin gw bule aja... aduhhhhhhh.. gw benci darah buleku....

Watch out for that tree!

So in this post I am going to be very real. I am going to share something that I have been struggling with for a good 9 months.

A few Sundays ago, a lady got up and made a 'testimony' of something that recently happened in Seattle, USA. According to someone, somewhere, somehow, a mosque that was being built in Seattle fell to the ground. This apparently is because when it was being built, people planted bibles in the foundations.

Now as people shouted amens and hallelujahs I felt a great sorrow in my heart. I think that it comes back to things that I experienced while I was in Indonesia. Man, I feel like a "bad pentecostal" I tell you...

Since I first accepted Jesus into my heart in 2001, when I was a mere 15 years old, I have not doubted the existence of God, nor have I doubted Jesus as Lord of all. That following year, I travelled to Indonesia for the first time: to Java. It was the first time I encountered another culture, other religions that seemed so different to what I found in my small country town. I came home in a tailspin and sorrow for the people who didn't know God as I knew Him. For 6 months I was really questionable towards God as to why these people were "missing out" as such.

I got over it. But then I found myself about 5 years later heading to Indonesia for the second time. This was just in November last year.

We travelled to Sulawesi. I knew that there were many Christians in Sulawesi, but I was oblivious to the fact that Sulawesi is very diverse.

When we had our "opening ceremony", I looked around the room at my possible new "parents" that would take me in for 10 days. At each table pretty much sat at least one Muslim woman (clearly wearing a hijab and the mother of the family).

For some reason, in my mind I had pictured myself going with a Christian family and we encourage each other and it be sweet. As I looked around that room that night I asked God what on earth he was thinking.

Sure enough, I landed with a Muslim family. Part of my instinct was to keep away from any type of spiritual trouble this seemed to lead to. So instantly I told myself that I must not enjoy this. I got home to their house that night, and saw a big plaque in my room that had arabic, and then under it said TIDAK ADA TUHAN SELAIN ALLAH which means There is no other God but Allah. Which got me thinking for a start.

The following morning I was woken in the morning by them praying in the next room at something like 5am. Muslims seem to pray in arabic, so I had no idea what was going on.

All I had been taught, stay away from evil people with other religions seemed to fall away as I fell more and more in love with these people, which caused me to get into such a rut. I had never been so closely involved in Islam. I had never lived or dwelled with them. Saying assalam alai'kum began something that was fun to roll off my tongue every time I said it. These people knew me as a protestant christian. They loved me, and I loved them. I would soon give up everything to move in with them.

Then questions seemed to pop up in my mind. How is it that such a large mass of people have gotten something 'so wrong'? The prayers that they pray 5 times a day which I listened to from a distance, and from the mosque.. they didn't seem empty. It seemed like their devotion was actually praying to something.

Perhaps this is the way. That Allah is real. But he is our God too. Just the way these people are going about getting to God isn't right?

When I came back to Australia I was a mess. I was supposed to have a major part in running a 'mission' in Bendigo, but instead I found myself being pushed away because I was 'sick'. I never felt so confused about who God was, how could I teach this to Children? My friends didn't understand what was going on, and didn't know how to help me.

During the mission, I began to pray to God (whoever He was). I prayed that I just wanted GODS TRUTH!

Constantly I felt myself hear this scripture run through my head:

Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me. - John 14:6

Not through Muhammad, not through rahmadan, not through praying 5 times a day... Through Jesus.

However, although this has been many months since, I am still struggling in my mind. I need help with this but I have no idea who to turn to, because like on mission, nobody seems to get what I'm going through. I spend a lot of time in church wanting to cry because the words feel so fake that we sing. I feel as though I don't know God anymore. I believe in Him. I want to know Him. I want to seek His truth.

Perhaps this has happened through my own disobedience. Adam and Eve weren't supposed to eat from the tree of life, where they'd see and perceive things that would hurt them.

Indonesia is one of the biggest desires in my heart. I long to live there and travel there often. I love the people, I love the culture, and I feel incredibly unpatriotic towards my own country. But I know, that I cannot return until I sort this out with God.

Basically, you wont hear the hallelujahs and amens from me when bad things happen to Muslims, because I love them, and God most definitely does too. Show a bit of respect.